


The Last Casualty

by DaisyIfYouHave



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-07 23:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3186773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisyIfYouHave/pseuds/DaisyIfYouHave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka and Seiya meet up again, some years after the last battle. With so many gone, can they help each other heal, or are some things too broken to be fixed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It had been a little over two years, but the dreams never stopped. Some things never leave you, no matter how long it’s been. They simply become a part of you, running under your skin like the the paths of termites under the bark of a tree. Yaten. Taiki. They had been her closest companions, and she had watched them die. And still watched them die, night after night, a horrible tape running in her brain over and over. And those girls. Usagi’s girls. So many of them, too, were gone now.

 

The morning brought light, and it was in this light that Seiya managed to put her life back together, such as it was. The music business was where she always imagined she’d end up- though, admittedly, she never thought it would be on the suits side. But the work was pleasant and easy enough, it paid well, and in any case, Yaten and Taiki seemed to have taken her spark of creativity with them as they left this world. So every morning she put on an Oxford shirt and her suitcoat and made people into the idol she’d once been, and tried to think as little as possible about the War. She only saw Usagi sparingly, and when they did meet, they seemed to have little to say to each other. They seemed to meet only because Usagi believed they should, and Usagi’s determination to keep her friends was unparalled, especially after she had lost so many. The other girls she hadn’t seen since that last day, when they’d finally won, and the world was safe at last.

 Rattled by her dream, Seiya decided to cut out early from work. The city was alive with sun and the beginning of summer, and she walked down the street, taking in the feel of it. It was days like this she felt the world had been worth saving, even with everything they’d given up. It was hard to argue with the sound of people laughing and talking, couples walking arm in arm down the street, and even babies crying, it reminded her that life had gone on, and that everything was new. Her reverie was suddenly interrupted, as she passed by the window of a dimly-lit bar. She squinted as she looked inside. No, it couldn’t be _._

 The blonde was bent over the bar, her eyes closed, holding a ring that hung from a chain around her neck against her lips. Her hair was shaggy, almost long, and she was more thin than athletic now, but as Seiya studied her, she realized why she looked so familiar. Haruka. It had to be her. Seiya pushed open the door to the bar. It was even sadder, somehow, than it had looked from the outside, nothing but a collection of people sitting alone, drinking cheap booze and all looking like they had something to drink away. She walked up to the bar, and leaned her body against it, settling in next to Haruka.

 “Long time no see.”

 Haruka opened her eyes, looked at Seiya, and then dramatically turned her head the other direction. “You know, I was just saying, my life could not possibly be more miserable than it is right fucking now.” she looked back at Seiya, “But the universe, you see, is on a never-ending goddamn journey to prove me wrong about everything. Because here you are, in your fancy fucking suit, like an agent of the dark goddamn lord.”

 “You’re as pleasant as ever.”

 “Fuck you.” She pressed the glass to her lips, draining it.

 “You’re drunk.”

 “You hang out in bars at 2pm for the scenery?”

 Seiya realized, with some shame, that she had missed bantering with Haruka. She signaled the bartender for a beer, and slipped her jacket around the back of the barstool. Haruka clumsily asked for another of whatever indeterminate liquor she was drinking, and the bartender served her with a sideways glance.

 “You don’t have one nice thing to say about me? After all this time?”

 Haruka paused for a moment and looked up at the TV in the corner. “Your uniform made me feel a hell of a lot better about mine.”

 Seiya laughed. “I haven’t really thought about my uniform in a long time. They kind of were a huge joke on us both, huh?”

 Haruka smiled genuinely, and Seiya, for a moment, felt a surge of pride, “I’ll never forget the first time I transformed. A MINISKIRT. And Michiru’s trying to make me feel better, talking about Roman soliders…” her voice trailed off sadly, and she absentmindedly rubbed the ring around her neck. “That was a long time ago.”  Her face darkened again. “What do you want, Seiya?”

 She straightened up. Even she wasn’t sure, precisely. “To drink this beer and have you shut the fuck up, mostly.”

 The bartender placed a bowl of peanuts between them, and Haruka pulled them in front of her.

 *

They sat in that bar for 9 more hours, Seiya more slowly, but even she was surprised when they stood up and night had long past fallen over the city. The bartender had given her a strange look when she’d paid the bill- admittedly, she and Haruka had sparred more than they’d reminisced in that ensuing time- not that they cared to bring up the past anyhow, but there was an element of familiarity to it that was like going home for Thanksgiving- no matter how much you argued, there was a tie that could not be separated, something drawing you together for time and eternity.

 Stumbling out into the cool night air, Seiya looked at the sky, cloudy and the wind cutting through the streets, picking up leaves and trash in equal measure and spraying them along the boulevard. Seiya buttoned the top of her coat. There was no way Haruka was going to get home without getting rained on, and she didn’t trust her not to pass out in back of a cab.

 “Ruka-”

“My friends call me Ruka. You, on the other hand,” The gesture tipped her off her delicate balance, and she nearly fell over. “can pronounce all goddamn three syllables of my name.”

“HA-RU-KA, okay?  God. You can’t walk home, you’ll fucking fall in a gutter and die.” Seiya popped up the collar of her peacoat against the wind.

 “I’m not that lucky.”

 The sky cracked overhead, and cold, heavy raindrops started to fall.

 Seiya took her arm roughly. “I don’t live far from here. Let’s go.”

 Haruka pulled away and shoved Seiya against the wall of the building, harder than Seiya had imagined she was still capable of. Skinny as she had gotten, she was still stronger than she looked. She crossed her arms over her chest and snarled, “I don’t have to go anywhere.”

 A number of beers and an old rivalry came to the surface, and Seiya had enough for one evening. She took off her coat and set it at on the windowsill outside the bar, Haruka looking at her confused for a moment, and then had a fuzzy yet dawnirealization that Seiya wanted to fight her. Seiya grabbed her shoulder, pulled her toward the alley, and tossed her against the building. Haruka came back swinging, and missed with the first but caught Seiya in the stomach on the second. Seiya reeled for a moment, then grabbed Haruka from behind the shoulders and wrestled her to the ground. She might do a little better in a situation where Haruka’s wingspan wasn’t such a factor, she thought, and she wasn’t wrong- pretty soon she had Haruka pinned, both of them covered in rain and alley grime.

 And, pinned to the concrete, Haruka began to laugh. “Is this how you usually get girls to go home with you?”

 Seiya got up and tried to brush off her suit jacket. It was almost certainly ruined- at best, the cleaner would have a hell of a time with it. She took a long look at Haruka, who was stumbling to her feet. She remembered her as woman who had made deliberate, if occasionally bad, fashion choices, whose hair was always cut perfectly, who always had cologne on, and even when she hadn’t liked Haruka, Seiya had always been forced to admit that she had a certain handsomeness to her.

 But she barely recognized the Haruka in front of her now. She was skinny, and her hair nearly hit the bottom of her jaw, it had been neglected for so long. Her jeans were torn and dirty, and the t-shirt she wore was easily a size too big, maybe two. The only thing that hadn’t seemed to change was the quickness of her temper. For all that Seiya had considered her a rival, it was a disappointment to see her laid so low. She felt a sort of stray dog pity for her. She steadied Haruka with her hand, and smiled.

 “C’mon, you asshole. Just ‘til the rain stops, then I’ll call you a car.”

 *

Haruka examined the contents of Seiya’s apartment carefully. Awards lined her mantle from organizations Haruka had never heard of and never cared to. Truthfully, Seiya didn’t care all that much either. But it was something to remind her that life went on, no matt what had happened in the past. And if she had lost the will and the spark to sing, at least she had other talents.

 Haruka cradled the bottle of vodka in one hand. “So, you’ve done pretty good for yourself, I guess. Fancy place.”

 Seiya shrugged. “It’s okay.”

 Haruka snorted. “It’s a penthouse,  Seiya, knock it off with the false modesty. It’s like the house version of your usual, ‘look how great I am’” She picked up a photo of Seiya, Yaten, and Taiki and studied it, but simply set it back down.

 Seiya rose to her feet and headed back to the bedroom. She was tired, and drunk, and cranky, d in no mood for Haruka’s crap. Why’d she even bothered bringing her back anyhow? And the clap of thunder reminded her. Haruka followed her in, and sat of the end of the bed.

 “Is this where all the magic happens or what? I bet you have all kinds of groupies-“

 Seiya lay down on the bed and closed her eyes. “Shut up, asshole, go to sleep.”

 Haruka flopped down on her back and Seiya pulled her onto her side, “Not on your back, that’s how Hendrix died, idiot.”

 Haruka rolled over and took another pull from the bottle, and before Seiya could say anything, she fell asleep.

 *

_There was a flash, and a crack burst the air._

_“_ _Taiki!” Seiya ran to his side, her thoughts racing. Not Taiki, no, no._

_The wound was bad. His eyes already had that distant glaze, his breath came short and ragged. She put a hand on his shoulder. “Hang in there, buddy, we’ll have you writing shitty poetry in no time.”_

_“_ _I-I- don’t know…Seiya.” The blood began to pool around Seiya’s knee. “Seiya.”_

_“_ _It’s gonna be fine, It’s gonna be fine,-”_

 Seiya stirred from her sleep, and looked around at her bedroom for a moment, catching her bearings. Just another memory floating to the surface in the dark, like so many nights before.

 Haruka was restless, talking in her sleep and turning over and back again, pulling her knees to her chest. . God, we were drunk. I can’t believe we’re laying in the same bed. I can see Michiru giggling now. Haruka began to pant, and call out, her eyebrows knitted with grief.

 “No, no, no, no. Please no. Please.” A sob broke through. “Michi!”

 Seiya shook her aggressively, “Haruka, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

 Haruka blinked slowly, and sat up, a tear still dripping down her face. “It’s- I-I mean”

 “I have them too- They’ve never stopped.” She put her hand on Haruka’s shoulder, then quickly drew it away, shaking her head

 Haruka laid back down, her face twisted in pain, “I would rather feel anything else. But no matter how much I..”

 Seiya gave a heavy sigh. “You can drink the whole sea, Haruka, it’s still gonna be there.”

 At the word sea, Haruka swallowed hard, reached over to the side of the bed and took another drink.

 “Stop. Stop. Bad choice of words.” Seiya leaned over Haruka and set the bottle back down on the floor, “You’re going to puke in my bed, and then I’ll be really pissed.” She paused over the top of her for a moment, and looked at her, Haruka’s eyes downcast and a haunted look on her face. “We’re not that different, you and me.”

 Haruka shrugged half-heartedly. “Yeah, I guess that was the problem. But, nothing left to fight over now.”

 A strange compulsion came over her, and she tucked Haruka’s over-long hair behind her ear. “You need a haircut.”

 “I need a lot of things.” She looked up into Seiya’s eyes, and Seiya saw the same loneliness and pain that she knew so well. It was like a scar that matched her own, and before she could stop herself, she leaned into Haruka and kissed her.

 She would never be able to describe what had driven her to that.  Maybe the alcohol, or the special quality the night takes on in the early morning hours, just raw need after years of isolation, or maybe it was Haruka what had said, the need to feel anything else at all. It felt like being in a foreign country, being with Haruka. Strange and exciting, and a thousand surprising moments of familiarity, like tiny points of lights in the darkness.  Kissing led elsewhere, two bodies tangled in the sheets, not knowing what they were searching for or why, but searching for it with each other. It was not unpleasant, this strangeness of exploring Haruka, and being explored by her, and she couldn’t decide whether the joy of it was the actual orgasm or simply the sensation of being touched by another human being, without having to invent a lie about her scars, and her dreams, and the faraway look in her eye. Just two broken people, tired of hiding their brokenness.

 Haruka sat at the end of the bed, head hung and rubbing the back of her neck. She’d gotten dressed already, somehow, without Seiya noticing. It must have been a wilder night than she’d thought.

 “I didn’t expect you up so early” Seiya rolled over in bed and pulled on a t-shirt.

 “I have to go. I shouldn’t have stayed here.” She picked up her bag and drew it across her body, and Seiya noticed the subtle shake in her hand. “I need to go feed my cat.”

 Seiya rolled her eyes at the excuse, but called after her. “Haruka?”

 “Yeah?”

 She sighed, “Take care of yourself.”

 *

 Seiya found herself drifting from her thoughts at work. Some executive talking about a little 20-something model they’d managed to autotune, and she was going to be the next big thing, and there’s a lot of money in this for everyone, but she kept letting her thoughts turn to the blonde butch who’d shared her bed last night. She couldn’t define what it was. She didn’t love Haruka, not really, not the way she was used to. But there was comfort in her. Maybe Seiya could be a comfort  _to_ her. It wasn’t something she ever could have imagined- but, she reasoned, the War had changed everything. Had changed all of them. So much loss. So much pain. Losing someone else to the War seemed unthinkable.  She suddenly felt guilt for never asking Usagi about the other girls, how they were coping, how they were moving on. The answer with Haruka was, quite obviously, ‘not’. She had only ever cared how Usagi had done or felt, and it now felt short-sighted.

 “Seiya?”

 “What? Yes?” Her head snapped up, and she looked at the group staring at her from the other side of the table.

“So, what do you think?”

 *

And so it was somewhat in spite of herself that Seiya got a pizza after work and wound up knocking on a door she never thought she’d see again. It wasn’t as if she had spent a great amount of time over there before the War, either- despite Usagi’s best efforts, she and Haruka had never really brokered a peace. As Mina, God rest her, had once suggested, it may have helped if she hadn’t flirted with Haruka’s wife all the time. She chuckled at the memory. They had all seemed so young then. She never could have imagined the War would have gone the way it did, even though they’d been warned. Twelve Senshi had come against the enemy, and four had stood in the ruins of their own lives at the end of it.   _So many funerals. Tearful families, who never really understood what happened to their children. A terrible secret we all had to share._

 The gloomy memory was interrupted by the opening of the door in front of her. Haruka stood there, in a worn black cardigan over a soft green t-shirt, a small grey cat with a pink glitter collar nestled in the crook of her arm, purring happily. Haruka was seemingly as surprised to see Seiya as Seiya was to be there.

 “You do have a cat. I thought you were making excuses.”

 Haruka looked to the cat, and then back at Seiya, still puzzling over what she was doing on her doorstep. “This is Mouse. They got him for me after…everything.”

 “Your boy cat has a pink sparkle collar?”

 The little cat nuzzled into Haruka’s neck, and she gently laid her cheek on its back. “Usagi bought it. Sorry, I didn’t know we were so concerned about gender roles, lesbian in a man’s suit. Come in, it’s freezing.”

 Seiya stepped in and followed Haruka into the living room, setting the pizza down on the coffee table. There was a quilt laying over the couch, barely covering a pillow, and a pile of t-shirts on the floor. A bottle sat on the coffee table with a glass next to it, a few swallows still left inside.

 “You sleep down here?”

 Haruka sat down in an oversized armchair with a sigh. “Sometimes. Upstairs is- well-” she shrugged, and Seiya nodded.  _Haunted._ That was why Seiya had sold the place she’d lived with Yaten and Taiki. Every room she went into had the echo of their voices.

 The mantle was lined with pictures in coordinating wood frames, like an altar to a life gone by. Michiru’s work, Seiya was sure. Michiru and Haruka cuddling on the grass, both smiling. Mina wearing an “I’m 21” crown, popping open a bottle of champagne. Ami posing with her acceptance letter from medical school. Rei scowling playfully as Usagi hugged her tightly. The biggest one, in the middle, was a group photo, with all of them tucked in close, Michiru and Haruka in the middle, glowing.

 Her fingers touched the edge of the frame. They all looked so happy. “This must have been from your wedding.”

 “Yeah.” Haruka never looked up from the little grey cat on her lap, but rubbed the ring around her neck reflexively.

 There was a tan envelope sitting there, sandwiched between Hotaru’s senior picture and a beaming Pluto blowing out her birthday candles. It read simply “Haruka” in an elegant script. Seiya picked it up and turned it over. Still sealed.

 She turned to Haruka and held up the envelope. “What’s this?”

 “That,” she took a drink, “is a letter my wife wrote me just before she was killed.” Haruka gently dumped the cat off her lap, rose to her feet, and walked toward Seiya.

 “She wrote this to you? She must have known-”

 “She knew.” Haruka took it out of Seiya’s hands and put it back on the shelf. “I don’t read it.”

 “Aren’t you curious? Hell, I’m curious.”

 “It’ll just make things worse. Her saying good- you know, I just don’t want to read it, okay?”She snapped at Seiya, “And its mine, so I’ll do whatever I want with it.”

 “Why even keep it, then? Just to torture yourself? That’s healthy.”

 “I can’t just-“ her voice cracked, and she turned away from Seiya. “Why do you care? What are you doing here?”

 Seiya raised a hand in peace. “Hey, hey, cool it. I just brought over dinner. I was just thinking…you’re a miserable asshole, nobody likes you, you could probably use some company. My job likes it when we do charity work.”

 Haruka sat on the edge of the couch, shoulders slumped. “I should probably eat something anyways.”

 Seiya clapped her on the shoulder and smiled, “That’s the spirit! C’mon, we’re gonna have to warm up this pizza. It’s freezing out.”

 There was a chalkboard in the hallway, which read, in a large, rough script: _Have you eaten today? Have you had some water? I’ll be by on Tuesday with groceries._

 *

The door opened, and there was a call from the door. “Haruka! It’s me!” The footsteps worked their way into the kitchen, and Haruka slowly stood up and followed after them.

 “Did you order a pizza?” The familiar voice called out, “And you’re eating it! That’s- Oh, there you are.”

 Seiya couldn’t quite make out Haruka’s voice, but heard the response. “You have a friend over?” The footsteps moved toward the living room, and Seiya lifted her eyes to see Rei appear, her expression somewhat puzzled. “Ruka, I was really proud, but now I’m confused.”

 “That’s Seiya. Seiya Kou? You may remember, we all kept the world from ending?” Haruka maneuvered around Rei and sat back down on the couch.

 Rei put her hands on her hips. “Yeah, and last time we were all together, you put your fist in her face, so don’t act like I’m the goddamn idiot here. When was the last time you had a glass of water?” Her voice was more demanding than nurturing, and it was pleasant to see, no matter what happened, some things would always be the same. She didn’t wait for a response from Haruka, just went into the kitchen.

 Haruka smiled at Seiya. “Rei checks in on me every so often.”

 Seiya got up off the couch. “I think I’m gonna go grab something to drink, be right back.” She walked into the kitchen, where Rei was busy empty a cloth grocery sack. “It’s good of you to look after Haruka, Rei.”

 She never looked up from sorting her groceries. “So glad I have your approval, now I can die happy. Nice to see you after two years.”

 Rei’s opinion of Seiya didn’t seem to have changed much over the years. She had always been prickly, and the War hadn’t made any of them more likely to win Miss Congeniality. She’d thought staying away was best, but maybe she’d been wrong. She’d been wrong about a fair amount of things, admittedly, and the other night had only made things make less sense.

 She tried to keep it casual and upbeat, “So, you seeing anyone?”

 “Dating doesn’t exactly go, for me.”

 “You’re a really cute girl, Rei, and-”

 “What do you think I should do, Seiya? Hi, my name’s Rei! The girl I had a crush on for years was murdered in an intergalactic war that also killed all my friends! Except, of course, the one who’s a fucking alcoholic mess that I spend my spare time trying to keep from dying. Coffee?”

  Casual and upbeat didn’t seem to be working. “Well, you forgot to mention me and Usagi.”

 Rei laughed, “You’re right, that will sweeten the pot for any girl.” She looked away for a minute, and then came back to Seiya. “I’m not really looking. I wasn’t looking when I found Mina, either. She just…was. And I should have told her…every day I had a shot at it.”  The sadness left her face was replaced by a much more familiar and safe emotion, irritation. “Listen, if you’re here on some mission from God or whatever, you can beat it. We don’t need you or your pity.”

 “It’s not pity. I’m one of you.”

 “Mmmmm, no. Not really.” She strolled out of the kitchen, glass of water in hand.

 Seiya grabbed a soda out of Rei’s grocery bag. No wonder she’d only talked to Usagi. 


	2. Chapter 2

She thought about that a lot, alone in her room that night, that letter sitting on the mantle,the idea that Michiru had known what was about to happen, but apparently had never thought to tell Haruka she knew. She obviously hadn’t told Haruka. It had never occurred to Seiya that Seers might see the hour of their own death. Yaten and Taiki hadn’t been Seers, and she surely wasn’t, so the intricacies of how it worked had been lost on her.

But now she remembered, the thought she’d shut away for so long rolling over her like a fog until she was lost in it.

_Michiru had looked so defeated, even before the battle had started. She just gazed at Haruka tearfully as the Senshi assembled, and Seiya thought they had fought that afternoon or something…but she knew better, now. It made more sense. The moment of hesitation before Michiru dove past Haruka in the way of Usagi, the words “Deep Submerge” whistling past Seiya’s ear. It all happened so fast, the clash and smoke, and the victory, that at least for one moment, they all rejoiced in._

_Haruka ran past her in a blur. “No, no, no.” like a mantra, like she might wake up any moment and it might not be true, just some terrible childhood nightmare. She scooped Michiru into her arms, begging her, “Please, please, Michiru.”_

_Michiru’s eyes were wild, trying to fight off death long enough to give something for Haruka to hold on to, but all that came out were a string of apologies. “I’m so sorry, Ruka. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_

_Seiya expected poetry, or something strong, something quotable, something like every moment she’d read of last words between lovers. But poetry and soft words, she found, were mostly meant for movies and moments when people had time to think. In this whirlwind of desperation and the moment of their separation, there were no poets._

_Haruka held her close, begging her to stay, even as life started to fade from her._

_Pluto turned her back sadly. She had watched the fall of the Silver Millennium, but she could not watch this, not anymore. Mako stood, head hung, arms around Usagi, who cried into her shoulder. Rei’s eyes were closed tight, a hand to her temple, biting her lip, and it was unsure to Seiya whether she was fighting her own tears or something else entirely._

“ _Haruka.” Her voice was very soft now. “You have to be brave. You have to be strong.”_

_There was a sigh, and a silence._

“ _Michi? Michi, no, no. Michiru!”_

_If she had been listening closely, she might have heard the snap._

Even now, the sound of Haruka’s choking sob echoed through her mind. She shook her head as if she was trying to throw the memory away. What was past was past. There was no changing it now, and no point in dwelling on it. It was how she’d learned to survive, after those first few dark months without Yaten and Taiki. She hoped the light of the TV would scare the ghosts away.

*

Somehow, those days became weeks, and Seiya found herself more and more often in Haruka’s company. They watched movies, they fought, they had sex…Seiya would never have called it making love- it felt like the logical extension of every argument they’d ever had, a struggle of one against the other, a clash of power and will more than one of love. They followed the road map of each other’s scars, and never questioned at the turns and bends there. It was the perfect balance between safety and danger, no questions asked, no girl trying to get to know the real Seiya, no risk of asking for anything more.

But even she was unimpressed with herself, sitting in her office, eating the Caesar salad her intern had brought her, half-interested in anything but picking out the tomatoes.  _This is what my dating life has become, fucking a girl I like about half the time, who’s sober about 10% of the time. Je-sus._  It wasn’t that she couldn’t find another girl to date. Hell, she’d been on dates in the last few weeks. But the War had made everything so complicated. And there was always that pull there, toward the wildness and unpredictability of being around Haruka.

And Seiya grew very accustomed to the idea of having someone she could rely on for a good fight, an action movie, and some rough sex.

*

The alarm went off, and she rolled over, grumbling and yawning all the while. The room was like a bed and breakfast, she’d always thought- It was warm and well-appointed, but it was still obviously a guest bedroom. They never slept in the main bedroom, Seiya wasn’t even sure if Haruka ever did anymore. Haruka snored softly on, Mouse purring in time tucked under her chin. Seiya stretched, and ran her hand down Haruka’s side. She frowned a little, feeling every rib under the thickness of her sweater like a napping greyhound. It had recently occurred to Seiya that she was going to have to do something other than provide pizza and get her out of the house every once in a while if she intended to keep Haruka around. Her thoughts were interrupted by a paw on her lips, and a suspicious look from a small grey fuzzball.

“Oh, I’m not bothering her, you weirdo.” Seiya shooed the cat away, and Haruka stirred.

“Mouse, c’mere” She sleepily snapped her fingers, and the cat came bounding over to the other side of the bed and jumped back on top of her.

Seiya sat up and rubbed Haruka’s shoulder, “You could stand to eat something.”

“You’re not the boss of me.” She rolled over on her stomach and buried her face in the pillow. Mouse mewed piteously and licked the back of her head. “I know you’re hungry!” the muffled voice came from inside the pillow. “Just give me a second.”

Seiya stood up and grabbed the clothes out of her dufflebag. She was taking a pretty fair amount of teasing from the guys at work, the wrinkles in her suits and her decided uptick in after-work plans leaving them to suspect that she had a woman she was spending her evenings with. Which was true enough, she supposed, buttoning up her shirt, but it wasn’t exactly what all of them were picturing. She looked back at Haruka, who took a quick pull from her usual bedside bottle and gathered her cat up in her arms.

“Let’s go feed you!”

Truth be known, it wasn’t exactly what Seiya had been picturing either, but here they were, like so many things in their lives, it seemed like they had little say. She followed Haruka downstairs, where she was measuring out food into a little bowl with multicolored mice painted onto it. Seiya leaned against the counter and looked out the window as the coffee brewed. She wasn’t used to hedging when it came to things. At work, she was known for her ability to cut straight to the heart of the matter, and it was one of the things people had always appreciated about her. But now she found herself hesitating. To be fair, no one at work had a mean left hook.

“You ever thought about going somewhere, Haruka?” She continued to aggressively not make eye contact as Haruka set down the bowl on the floor.

“I go plenty of places. I go to the park. I go to Charlie’s. I go all over our fair city. In fact, Usagi and I are going to lunch today, so.”

Seiya walked over to Haruka and touched her on the cheek. “You know what I mean. Get your shit straightened out.”

Haruka brushed her hand away. “I’m gay, my shit’s never gonna be straight, sad but true.”

“Quit being an obtuse asshole.”

“Then leave me alone.” She took a drink as if to drive home the point.

“Who’s this for? Why torment yourself every damn day of your life?” She took a pause and sighed, so frustrated she wasn’t sure whether to punch Haruka or hug her. “It’s not going to change ANYTHING.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“You’re right, I don’t. I miss Yat-” her words suddenly caught in her throat, and she stopped, and looked out the window, swallowing hard. A flash went through her mind. _Yaten’s breath coming quicker and shorter, blood spilling out onto the cold grey concrete-_ No, not now. “But I have a lot left. And you have even more than me.”

“I’m not you, Seiya. You can either accept that or get out.”

“Fine.” She patted Haruka on the back half-heartedly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess.”

But it wasn’t fine, and Seiya had no intention of letting the matter drop. Seiya Kou did not lose, and she knew if she just talked Rei into helping her, everything would be fine. It was so simply, she couldn’t believe that she hadn’t thought of it before. Rei’s attitude about Haruka needed some adjustment, but Seiya knew she had what it took. She always did, silver-tounged in the board room as she was on stage. She smiled at herself in the rear-view mirror, satisified. Yes, everything would be fine.

There was, of course, the tiny matter of Rei not trusting a thing she said.

*

They sat across from each other at the Mexican restaurant, margaritas with festive straws in front of each of them, Rei’s arms crossed, leaned back appraising Seiya. She wasn’t entirely sure why she’d been asked here.

“I’m glad you took her to get a haircut.”

“Every once in a while, old, vain Haruka shines through for a minute, and this was one of those times. I came over; she was wearing a button-up shirt and clean pants and asked me to take her.” She shrugged, “I always kind of hope it’ll stay and she’ll round the corner, finally, but I know better…” She pulled the bowl of chips in front of her.

“She’s still pretty thin, though.”

Rei sipped her margarita, barely looking up at Seiya. She silently took a chip as joyful mariachi music played overhead. She dipped it in salsa and stared at it a minute. “Because, and this may have escaped you, she doesn’t eat. And she drinks all the time.” She crunched the salsafied chip, looking Seiya right in the face, and went to take another.

Seiya moved the chips from in front of Rei and stared at her directly, her own anger surprising even her. “You are so fucking flippant and defeatist about this. And I’m tired of it.”

A fire raged in Rei’s eye, but calmed as quickly as it had come. “I’m not gonna argue with you about this, so I’m just going to advise you. You know how I’ve learned to deal with Haruka? You have to detach with love. I can love her and care about her without being attached to the outcome. Because I can’t be attached to the outcome. Because I, unlike the people I’m forced to associate with, am not a dumbass, and can see the writing on the wall.”

“We need to get her help, not give up on her.”

Rei dramatically clutched her hands at her breast and gaped at her. “Oh THANK YOU SEIYA! Usagi and I have literally never considered this option in these past two years. You’re the first person in all the Senshi to ever give a damn about Haruka, congratulations. Whatever would we do without you?”

“I’m just saying. I mean, you bought her a cat.”

“And I’m just saying that you’re assuming a hell of a lot of incompetence on our part. And yeah, I bought her a cat. I bought her a cat that she gets out of bed in the morning and feeds, excuse me for using the only things I’ve got. You don’t think we’ve tried? You have been around for 9 weeks, Seiya.We’ve doing this for two years! You went and got some stupid suit job and forgot all about us, and now you think you have all the damn answers! Come fucking talk to me in a few years when you’ve argued til your voice was raw about this! Me, and Haruka, and Usagi, we three, we had each other, that’s it. I’ve begged and pleaded with her, Mamo offered to pay to send her somewhere; she told us all to go to Hell. And you know what? I wish I could just leave her to self-destruct on her own damn time.”

Horns played an upbeat melody as Rei and Seiya stared at each other, each daring the other one to look away first.

Seiya was the first to break the silence, “Why don’t you?”

Rei looked down, and sadness crossed her face, and Seiya regretted asking.

“Mina.” Seiya, unsure of what else to do, pushed the chips back in front of Rei.

“Yeah. She and Haruka were friends. I mean, we all were, but, more like me and Usagi. She was so fucking lucky, she never had any idea what it was like to lose a teammate. She always told me,’If the worst happens, which it won’t, fireball, because I am a gloriously beautiful cockroach and you’re too angry to die, I’ll take care of Usagi if you take care of Ruka.’ So I can’t just- Mina might have been able to keep hold of her, with her powers and them being so close, but with both her and Michiru gone…for some people, this world isn’t ever going to be right.”

“Rei-“

“What is, exactly, the deal with you and Haruka? Are you in love with her? ‘Cause she is never gonna love you, Seiya. I don’t know if she can, even, but it must be something for you feel like you can tell me how I’ve been taking care of Haruka wrong all these years while you sat on your ass and won awards.”

Seiya sighed, frustrated, “That’s not it. I don’t know. I-“ she ruffled her hair and scowled. “Haruka and I are a lot alike. I just don’t want her to die, I guess. I want her around.”

Rei nodded. “Let me explain to you how much the universe cares about what we want: It doesn’t. I can’t hold your hand through this, Seiya. I already have to hold Usagi’s hand. I have to try and take care of Haruka. I got my hands full. We’re all a huge mess, and you know why? Everyone. Died. Seiya.”

“I was there! I remember! I understand what you went through, Rei, I went through it too.”

“No, you don’t. Not really. You learned about death from us!” Her voice got quiet. “We knew the threat was rising, but we had no idea what to do about it. We made a rule. Nobody can be anywhere alone. Didn’t matter. Haruka and Mina were out one day, and I was supposed to be with them. I thought, no big deal, they’re together. Mina’s our general. Haruka’s a freaking cannon.”

“And Mina got killed.”

Rei looked out the window as if something were very interesting there, the wave of her hand punctuating each sentence, “They captured them both-Haruka told Mina to run, and Mina told her to go fuck herself. As she would. Mina got brave. Mina got killed. Haruka killed all of them, but…too late.”

“I didn’t know it was just the two of them when it happened.”

“I should have been with them. I was supposed to be with them. I knew Mina was gone the second it happened. You don’t know. We’d never lost anyone before. It’s almost like we didn’t know we could die. She was our general, it shouldn’t been her. And you found that out through us.” Rei furrowed her brow, almost as if she wasn’t sure what to say next, like every thought was just a collection of sentences that only marginally connected to each other. “We all lost it a little bit that day.”

“And so Haruka blames herself for Mina getting killed.”

Rei laughed coldly. “Not even. Haruka blames herself for Mina, Ami, Michiru, Pluto, Hotaru, and Mako. And probably Yaten and Taiki, if you pressed her. For all you talk about knowing what’s best for Haruka you sure seem not to know her for shit.”

The Mariachi music played on.


	3. Chapter 3

They sat in the park together that evening, and as the warm wind of a late fall revival whispered through the trees, Haruka lay on the browning grass with Seiya, watching the world go by. Haruka had even gained a few pounds in these passing days, with Seiya hounding her to eat constantly, and the change suited her. Seiya wasn’t so sure things were hopeless. Maybe she’d just needed someone like Seiya all along. In moments like these, Haruka seemed almost normal. She began envisioning double dates, and Haruka going back to her job, and the Seiya once again having someone like Yaten or Taiki in her life, someone to share the burden with, and joke with, someone to yell at her when she screwed up. It seemed arrogance, now, to assume that the three of them would always be together. But they had been since they were babies, and Seiya could not have imagine that the war would be so cruel… In any case, with Haruka there was the added benefit of some angry sex on the side.

 Seiya looked over at Haruka, eyes closed against the sun, looking as peaceful as she ever had. She had never thought much about Usagi’s girls other than the fact that they had been a part of Usagi. What their lives were like, what they had dreamed about, none of it had really crossed Seiya’s mind. She regretted it now. She regretted not telling everyone she ever met about Yaten and Taiki, and how she felt more herself with them than with anyone else. How, when they had died, it felt like she had lost a large part of herself. The confidence didn’t come so easy anymore, her spirit felt quieter…it was for the best she had given up singing, she wasn’t sure she could do it anymore.

 Haruka opened her eyes. “Why are you staring at me?”

 “Just thinking.”

 Haruka clumsily got up on one elbow, coughed a little, and looked over at Seiya. “There’s no ‘just thinking’”

 “I wish I would have gotten to know the other girls I guess.” They had avoided the topic for weeks, dancing around the memory of everyone lost. Seiya was afraid of hurting Haruka worse than she already was, but after talking to Rei, she couldn’t stop herself. She’d been totally ignorant to the inner workings of a group she’d worked alongside, and she couldn’t help but feel a little guilty.

 Haruka sighed and sat up, “I never knew your team either.”

 Seiya took a deep breath and looked off into the distance. “Taiki loved to write and read poetry, God, he was such a dork, that was the happiest he ever was, with his little laptop, typing away about roses and thorns and love and some shit”

 Haruka spoke, not really to Seiya, not really to anyone, just putting the words out into the world, where someone could hear, and someone could know. “Pluto had never had a birthday. You should have seen her when we made her a cake and put some streamers in the dining room, I thought she was going to cry. All she ever wanted to be was just like us.”

 “Yaten, they were so vain, I swear, hours in the stupid bathroom, and I’d always tell them, ‘You’re the prettiest, don’t worry!’ and they would scowl at me so hard.”

 “Ami was way,” Haruka waved her hand over the top of her head. “I wasn’t always very nice to her sometimes, she made me feel so dumb. Not on purpose. She wasn’t like that. I should have been nicer. We were just so different.”

 “Yaten always used to yell at me when I screwed up. ‘You had one job, Seiya!’” She laughed. “I should have had that put on their tombstone. I had one job.” She paused.  “I screwed that up too.”

 “Mako had the biggest heart. She was like me; she didn’t have a family, so she just made us her family. All she ever wanted was to get married and make cakes for people. Because they made people happy, and she loved that. But that was too big for the universe to let her have.”

 They even talked over each other a little bit now, the thoughts tumbling over each other as if released from a dam. The guilt and the loss and even the happiness of each memory came like a flood,  locked away for so long, finally being heard.

 “Taiki had this knack for numbers, I swear. Part of the reason we did so well as the Three Lights was his gift for that. He could figure any contract, any sum. And you never would have known it to look at him, he was so quiet and always with his buried in a book.”

 “Hotaru was a fucking kid. That’s the worst of it. She got her senior pictures taken a month before she died. They stole her chance to do anything. What kind of adult would she have been?”

 “Those two used to give me such a hard time. I swear the most common question in our house was ‘Who made you leader? When did that happen?’”

 “Mina was like my little sister…”

 Seiya laughed, “Yeah, I remember Mina threatening me with her little lovey X-men power once when I insulted you. She was cute and terrifying, that kid”

 “She had a great sense of humor. Let me tell you a story about Mina, even at the end, when I went to her, the first thing she said it me was, ‘Guess I should have slept with Rei when I had the chance, huh?’ and brave…” She sighed, and looked down at the memory. “The last thing she did before she died was zap me, like you said. She wanted the last memory I had of her to be a happy one. ”

 Seiya stopped for moment. “That’s brutal.” She fidgeted uncomfortably. “Why would you even tell me that, Christ, Haruka.”

 Haruka paid her no mind, ignorant of the fact that it had suddenly dawned on Seiywhat a dark orad they had gone down. “And Michiru…”

 “You don’t have to tell me about Michiru. I know.”

 “She was a princess and a goddess. She was so…and she loved me. Me, out of everyone. And I-” She grabbed the ring around her neck in the way that Seiya had become so accustomed to, like a child hanging onto a blanket.

 Netiher of them spoke for several minutes. The words hung between them as if they were written on tombstones, running their fingers over the unique scar that each name left in the stone.

 “Ruka, it isn’t your fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault. We’re soldiers.” She reached out to touch Haruka’s hair, “God, you’re so thick-headed sometimes.”

 “I’m not a soldier. Not anymore.”

 A memory popped in Seiya’s mind.

  _Haruka rising up from her place on her knees by Mako’s body, shaking Rei by the shoulders, asking her, yelling, “Is it over? Is it really fucking over?!”_

  _Rei broke from her grasp, and pushed her back. “Yes! Fuck! It’s over. We won.” She looked around “I guess.”_

_“_ _For good?!”_

_“_ _It’s over, Haruka.”_

_And then Haruka took her henshin wand and threw it on the ground, crushing it under her heel. “I’m done! I don’t want to hear one single fucking thing about this EVER again.”_

  _Usagi cried out to her tearfully, “Haruka! .Come back!”_

  _Haruka kept walking, and Seiya caught her arm. “Did you not hear your prince-” Haruka connected with a left hook, hard into Seiya’s jaw, and she fell to the ground._

  _“_ _I gave you EVERYTHING I had. I’m done!” And she just kept walking, as Usagi cried._

 Seiya reached out of the memory, out of the graveyard covered with names and lives and dreams, and put her arm around Haruka. In this world of death and loss, all she wanted to feel was alive. She wanted to reach into Haruka’s chest and take the broken parts, and put them back together, to make her whole again. She kissed Haruka, but there was a softness there now, a tenderness that had never revealed itself before. She pulled her closer, and she could feel her heart flutter beneath the bones of her chest. As long as it kept beating, there was hope. Haruka kissed her back, and a fire lit in Seiya, warm and comforting, safe and alive.

 Back in Seiya’s apartment, they kissed gently, the confessions of the day opening them to new possibilities, to the humanity of the other. Each snide comment, each struggle for dominance, it didn’t seem to matter anymore. It was an altogether new phenomenon, to be kissed by Haruka not as an adversary, or even as a comrade, but as a companion. And Seiya wondered too, at her own blindness. How had she never noticed the soft ash of her hair, and how it fell playfully into her eyes? The pleasing low timbre of her voice should never have escaped her notice. There was a deep well of gentleness in Haruka that she had never seen, and in the moment, in the dark, it became impossible for her to imagine that they had ever been enemies. They had peeled back the rind from each other’s flesh, and, exposed, they each discovered a sweetness they didn’t know the other possessed. And for one moment, there might have been real love there, growing among the rubble and weeds of their old lives, struggling toward the sun.

 Lost in the warmth of each other, they fell asleep, Seiya gently entwined around Haruka like a creeping vine.

*

 Seiya rolled over to put her arm around Haruka, but no one was there. She stumbled to her feet, still half-asleep, and pulled a tshirt over her head. She ruffled her hair and tried to get her bearings.

 “Haruka?” She wasn’t in the living room. Seiya hoped she hadn’t tried to go home, and anyway, last night was…good? It was warm and felt real, in a way other things hadn’t. It was a comfort to her to know she could still feel that way, after so much else had changed. She looked toward the sliding glass door, and sure enough, there was Haruka, sitting out on the balcony alone.

 Seiya opened the door, and before she could say anything, she noticed Haruka sniffling. She just have been crying, her eyes were red, and though the wind was chilly, Seiya was without a coat, so she doubted that was the cause of the sniffle. She sat down next to Haruka on her wicker loveseat, not wanting to ask what was wrong, in some ways already knowing, and in some ways unwilling to care. She felt trapped for a minute, as Haruka sat and sniffled and continued to drink, as ever.

 Seiya finally broke the silence. “You gotta knock this shit off, Haruka.”

 A coughing fit came on hard, and it took Haruka a few minutes to catch her breath and compose herself. “It’s fine. Sometimes I get sick.”

 “You know what I’m talking about.”

 Haruka sat for a moment, rubbing her ring. “Last night-“

 “You’re allowed to have one day where you’re not miserable. You can’t cheat on a dead person, Haruka. Nobody thinks that.”

 “Except me.” She sat on the edge of the loveseat, as far away from Seiya as she could be. “I still love her.”

 “Nobody’s questioning that. More importantly, nobody cares. They’d rather you be alive. You have to let go, Haruka. It is literally, actually killing you.” She scooted over to Haruka, who had her head buried in her hands now, looking completely broken.  “I remember you.  You’re Sailor Uranus. You’re still stubborn as hell. You once beat the crap out of me at a house party. You’re one of the toughest people I know.”

 Haruka laid her head against Seiya’s shoulder. “No, I’m not. Not anymore.”

 Seiya held her close and whispered into the night. “Haruka. Come back.


	4. Chapter 4

Seiya hadn’t imagined that a few short weeks later, she’d be confessing to Rei about anything, much less about the tenderness of the night they’d shared, but there she was, in a coffee shop, as the winter started to blow over the city.

“Are you falling in love with her?” There was no anger in her voice, none of the harshness it had so many times before. “Oh, Seiya, God…” She looked down into her coffee. “I don’t even know what to say to you.”

“Rei, I can help her.”

“She doesn’t want it. She’s made that pretty clear.”

“She’s not herself, I think-“

“Seiya, I’m going to tell you something I’ve told Usagi a million times and am going to have to tell her a million times more.” She sighed deeply, “Haruka’s not going to make it.,” Seiya tried to interrupt her, but Rei glared and held up a finger, “I’m not finished yet. You can yell at me in a minute. I don’t like it any more than you do, or Usagi does, or anything.  I hate it. I hate it, and I hate that I can’t change it. I’ve had to make a terrible peace with it, because sometimes, we are presented with a future we can’t change. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. I’m telling you this so you don’t blame yourself when it happens. Which it will. When I told Usagi that Michiru gave the most she could give for her, I wasn’t referring to her life. To Michiru, that was a candy bar. Who cares? BUT,” She turned and looked intensely at Seiya, “She gave Usagi Haruka’s life. She knew she had to die, and she knew what it would do. And she did it anyway.” Rei nodded and looked at the ground, “I gave her a lot of hell, but when push came to shove she was a good soldier.”

“You’re wrong, Rei.”

“I am an actual, literal, Seer. Don’t be so stupid.”

Seiya looked off into the distance. “Why even bother with her then? Just because of Mina?”

"Because we’re family. We’re a family I didn’t ask for, and that makes my life complicated, but we’re family. That’s the best I can do. Don’t let her take you down with her, Seiya. It sounds cold, but it’s just self-preservation. I hope she gets relief from her misery, in whatever way that comes.”

Seiya just stared off into the distance. 

*

But the thought continued to wear on Seiya as she realized that Haruka was no closer to rejoining the land of the living. The winter began to come in with a fierce chill, and Seiya grew tired of the hidden rooms, and the way Haruka seemed to wasting away in front of her. It was unfair, and it was stupid. The war had taken so many of them, and she couldn’t even appreciate the gift she’d been given in life. Seiya felt like Haruka was dangling off a cliff, slipping further and further from Seiya’s grasp, and the anger of failure stung in her once again. She had watched it with Yaten, and Taiki, and she couldn’t watch it again, couldn’t let it happen again.

Haruka went missing again late one cold December night, and Seiya finally had enough. She found her, in a room that had laid closed for so long Seiya had almost forgotten it was there, at the back of the hallway. She opened the door, and Haruka was sitting on the floor of the old studio.

The studio was exactly as she must have left it, down to the unwashed paintbrush laying on the side table. A thin layer of dust covered everything, and Seiya was surprised that the clocks weren’t all stopped at the same time or something equally dramatic. The rage of that first night they reunited swelled in her, the feeling of arrogance and pain and loss covered by some feeling that at the time had been unfamiliar, but she now knew had to be a twisted kind of love.

She knocked aside the unfinished painting.

“You think Michiru would have liked this? Seriously? This is what she wanted for you?” She had avoided the name in every conversation they had in these last weeks, as if the spoken incantation could bring her ghost forward, like a fearful child crouching in front of a mirror, waiting for Bloody Mary. But it didn’t matter anymore. Seiya didn’t care.

Haruka leapt to her feet, stumbled a bit, but supported herself on against the wall. “You don’t know anything about it, Seiya!”

“I know that if she loved you at all, this would be her worst fucking nightmare.”

“I’ve told you before, GO AWAY SEIYA.” She got into Seiya’s face, grey eyes blazing with hurt and hatred and guilt.

Seiya threw up her hands in frustration, “Haruka, there are ton of people trying to help you off this cliff and you keep just swatting at our hands, what the hell is the matter with you?”

“I don’t want your help! I don’t want you around! I don’t love you!”

“I’m not asking you to love me! I’m asking you not to die!” She punched the wall, ignoring the pain and focusing on the satisfying thud.

Haruka’s voice broke as she yelled, “I wish I could! But I can’t.” Her voice was suddenly quiet and soft and full of tears. “I failed. I can’t-I can’t face them.”

“Haruka, what are you even talking about? You didn’t fail anyone.” Seiya laid her forehead against the wall, her hand throbbing, and Haruka did not answer.

“I get it, Ruka. All anybody sees in us is victory. Because people like us, we suffer defeats alone. But you had Michiru. And she saw. And she loved you anyway. I get it. I know her being gone has just…rocked you. But we’re here, and-”

“Oh yeah? Did the person you loved most in the world die in your arms? No? No! Because the person YOU loved, never loved you BACK! Just like me.”

Seiya wheeled around and cuffed her across the jaw, and she fell against the wall. Haruka rose to her feet, and tried to catch her on her left, but Seiya easily dodged and wrestled her to the ground.

“There was a time when you were a hell of an opponent for me, and on any given day you could have taken me. Now you’re pathetic.” She got up and shoved Haruka on the floor. “Go fuck yourself. I don’t care about what happens to you anymore.” She wiped a tear from her eye angrily. “Lucky for Michiru she died before she figured out what a loser you are. Though,” she snorted, “What kind of idiot would die for you?” She went to walk away, but Haruka grabbed her leg and was on top of her in surprisingly swift fashion. She might have been 120 pounds soaking wet, but she got the best of Seiya in those moments, and soon blood was dripping from her nose, and Haruka was on top of her.

“Don’t you say a fucking word about Michiru, you son of bitch.” Her voice was cold, and hard, and full of the same anger from the first time they’d met in Michiru’s dressing room.

“There we are, that’s some fire, huh?” She rolled over and pinned Haruka to the ground, shaking her, “I WANT YOU TO FIGHT FOR IT! FIGHT!”

Haruka struggled for a moment, and then lay there. Seiya got to her feet, angrily pulling her own hair as Haruka slowly sat up and tried to rise to her feet.

“I’M DONE, HARUKA! I’m not gonna watch you do this anymore! I’ve watched enough people die, and I paid my damn dues, and you can go to hell all by yourself for all I care.”

“Nobody’s asking you to stay. I never asked you to show up.”

She shoved Haruka back down to the floor as hard as she could. “Fine. I’m gone.”

She walked out the door, and was grateful that the biting wind concealed her tears.

*

Months went on, And Seiya went back to the semi-normal life she’d had before, such as it was. Pop idols came and went, dates were had, awards won, and before she knew it, springtime was here, the blustery storms of march giving way to the sun of April.

“Here you are, Ms. Kou.” The intern quietly set the coffee and paper down on her desk as Seiya chatted to Los Angeles about an artist who’d fallen down on all their promise. Another day, another dream made, another dream broken.

“I don’t care why, Tony. It’s not working. Cut our losses.” She sipped the black coffee and began to rifle through the paper, the usual litany of bad news barely registering on her radar. “When I was doing this, you understood that sometimes you have to play to the crowd you’ve got, and this kid can’t do that.” She tossed aside the front section and glanced over the Local section, while Tony made a thousand excuses in her ear.  _New apartment building going up, hm. Should invest in that, this city is growing by leaps and-_ ”Tony, I gotta call you back.” She hung up without even waiting for confirmation, and set the paper down on her desk. “Goddamnit.” She paced around the office for a moment, stopped in front of the window, and ruffled the top of her head, trying to get her mind around it. “Goddamnit!” She snatched up her keys, and started out the office door.

“Holly, I’m leaving for the day, it’s personal.” She barely managed to get the words out before she breezed past her intern’s desk.

Holly nodded, and walked into Seiya’s office to grab her calendar. The desk was still covered with the morning paper, the coffee undrunk, and as Holly pawed around her desk, she looked down at the Obituaries page, open on Seiya’s desk.

 **Haruka Tenno, 28**.

*

Even the small size of the chapel on the edge of the graveyard did nothing to disguise how empty it was. Seiya stood at the back and surveyed the dark, quiet building. Watercolor light came through the stained glass windows and dappled over the stone floor. There was no music, no breeze rustling through the plain curtains, and Seiya was struck with the grim finality of it all. A plain coffin lay at the front of the aisle, and mahogany wood rows all sat silent, a tiny group of three sitting in the front the only sign of life. She worked her way quietly up the aisle, feeling even like she was disturbing each molecule of dust.

Usagi cried softly, “Why didn’t anyone come? Haruka was a good person. People should have come.”

Rei put her arm around her. “Usagi, I tried to tell you this was a bad idea…”

“What about Michiru’s family? Haruka was ALWAYS good to Michiru.”

Rei threw her head back dramatically, her face taking on a shade of red Seiya was quite familiar with now. “The Kaiohs are all assholes. That has nothing to do with whether or not Haruka was a good person. Hell, the only Kaioh Haruka ever cared about, she’s with now.”

“And her mom…”

“Is totally worthless. We’re her real family, Usagi, and it’s been that way for a long time.”

Usagi looked up from her space between Rei and Mamoru, and smiled through her tears at Seiya. “Seiya, you came!” She leapt to her feet and hugged her tightly, and Seiya returned the hug, it felt good to be back in the fold, even if for a moment, even if in terrible circumstances.

“Of course I did, dumpling.”

They chatted a bit, and they all tolerated Usagi’s attempt at any kind of formal funeral with only four people and one very confused undertaker. Seiya didn’t go up to the coffin. In her mind, there was no good that could come of it. It wasn’t a memory she wanted, and she had enough of those already. Mom quietly took Usagi to leave, and Seiya followed Rei through the tombstone to the Kaioh plots. Even in death, they had a gated community that, Seiya was sure, they were deeply appalled that Haruka was allowed to be a part of.

“What happened?” Seiya broke the silence between them.

“She got sick. And in the two and a half days between when [I](http://deletedfanficscenes.blogspot.com/2014/10/reis-promise.html) saw her last and when I knew she was gone, it turned into pneumonia and…it killed her. She just didn’t have anything to fight back with anymore. I wish I had something more epic for you, but that’s way it happened.”

“I’m surprised you’re not saying ‘I told you so.’ You hated me so much.”

Rei scoffed, “Pardon me for not taking Haruka’s death as a moment to gloat. Besides, I never hated you. I just tried to warn you.” She was intense but unfocused, somehow between thoughts as she spoke to Seiya. “You know, I was always so worried about Usagi, when all this was coming to pass. What she’d do, losing everyone, and I shouldn’t have been. I know now why she was always the one. She’s hope, personified. She was always made of the toughest stuff of all of us, and the summer in her hasn’t faded. Haruka wasn’t made of the same stuff. For as tough as she was, she was spun glass where it mattered, and it was too much. She broke. “

“It’s not your fault she died.”

 Rei shrugged. “I know that, did you not just hear me?” The matter-of-factness of her speech took Seiya back for a moment. Rei looked over at Seiya, and shook her head, smiled in a way that felt almost mocking, and Seiya was not sure who it was meant for, or if it was merely a show of bravado. “What, am I supposed to hate myself? Truthfully, I feel worse for Usagi than I do for Haruka. And you. I feel bad for you.”

“And you don’t miss her?”

“She was miserable. And exhausted. I did the best I could for her.” Rei paused, and looked into the distance for a minute before meeting Seiya’s gaze. “You know, one of the terrible things about being a Seer is, these girls that I fought and bonded with, I started to hear them, sometimes. To feel what they felt. And you know, I felt them all at the moment of their deaths.” She looked off again, as if she were speaking to no one in particular, just unburdening herself. “I felt a lot of things, Seiya. Sadness, fear, anger, pain, guilt, confusion. You know what I felt, when Haruka died? Relief. And somehow that was the worst.” She shook her hair out of its bun and looked down at the hole meant for Haruka’s body. “ She was my friend, and I loved her, and it is so goddamn unjust that the best thing to happen to her in the last 3 years was dying. But I don’t have to hear her heartbreak in my dreams anymore. I’m just as free as she is now. I know you don’t want to hear that, and I WILL NOT EVER tell Usagi that.” She paused and pointed at Seiya, “And neither will you, unless you want an arrow through your skull.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve kept a terrible secret from the rest of the world.”

“Congratulations, you’re a true solider.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Well, in a hilarious twist, for as much of a mess as she was, at some point she pulled her head out of her ass and managed to leave me the house and Michiru’s trust fund. The Kaiohs are thrilled.”

Seiya laughed, hard and loud. “You have GOT to be kidding me.”

“Nope. Leave it to Ruka to offer those douchebags a parting shot. So, I don’t know. I’m not keeping the house. Every time I go in there all I see is the people who aren’t there anymore. It’s where we all lived and met, it’s where Haruka died, and I can’t be in it. But I don’t know, after that.” She sighed and looked forward into the setting sun. The day was more beautiful than they might have thought, considering.

Seiya nodded in understanding. “Good for her. Good for you.”

“Take care of yourself, Seiya. Here, she left you this.” Rei drew a tan envelope out of her purse. Sealed, with a script that said, “Haruka” on the front. Michiru’s letter. She went to walk away, but Seiya called after her.

“Rei! Can I ask for one other thing?”

*

Seiya sat on the balcony of her penthouse, the spring sun starting to work its way through the clouds, and opened the letter that had plagued her so many nights. 

_I hope someday you can forgive my trespass against you. Please know that it gave me no pleasure._

_To have been beside you was my joy and my comfort._

_This was not your fault. I know you will never believe this, but I want you to read that line every day, until it runs through your head like a river, and never stops, always babbling the truth into your ear. This was not your fault. This is the first time that our destinies have not intertwined, my love. You are destined to make it to the end- it must be so, if the world is to survive. I must take another road. I mourn leaving you. I wish I could have mourned it with you._

_The sea without the wind is nothing, and goes nowhere, and with you I traveled and carried and transformed into a creature I could be proud of and believe in. This is your magic, your silent power that carries others along. Never let go of that, Haruka. You have a world inside of it worth giving. The sea without the wind is nothing, but the wind may go wherever it pleases. Whisper along a blade of grass, fill the sail of a kite high above the earth, and know that you have my blessing and my joy is with you wherever you go. Accept the love that is given you._

_I fear that in loving you, I have become your executioner. I am frightened for you now, more than I ever have been. I had hoped to leave you Mina’s care, but then, life never does turn out as we expect, even for a Seer._

_No matter what, I will ever be at your side. I hope it is more to watch you in joy than comfort you in sorrow, but know that you are never alone. I will see you again. I hope many years from now, but I will take you as you are, as you have always done for me._

_Your little mermaid,_

_Michiru_

“We had more in common than you though, Michiru.”

Seiya sighed, and a soft meow came from her foot. Accusatory green eyes looked from the little grey ball of fluff. It was obvious Seiya could be holding him right now, and yet here she was, NOT HOLDING HIM. Seiya scooped him up off the floor, and messed with the much more fitting black studded collar she had purchased for him. She smiled and ruffled his fur as he purred happily. Seiya stood up, and walked to the edge of the balcony, still staring at the letter.

She ripped up the letter, threw it into the air, and watched as the wind carried the pieces out to the sea.

 


End file.
